Let me tell you about troubles...

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have been unable to access the internet from home since the 13th of July. Additionally, it appears that I will continue to be unable to access it until the first part of August. So I've trundled my little laptop down to the public library, and have spent the past hour or so just catching up on my mail and other important errands.

But I didn't want to disconnect until I've had a chance to post something, at least, so I'm going to let you get a glimpse as to what goes through my warped little mind.

I saw this column in my local newspaper a while back, and it sort of got under my skin a little bit. So I chased down the whole column in the hope that the newspaper had only printed an excerpt, and that there was more to the column than was printed. But no, the newspaper had printed the whole entire column.

So I will reprint the whole entire column, and then post my reply afterwards. I hope you enjoy this.

An overture of theme songs
By MICHAEL SMERCONISH
THE PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER
Sunday, July 10, 2011

LITTLE ROCK — Why is there always such poor advance work when it comes to presidential candidates and theme songs? Every four years, it seems, someone uses a song without getting the necessary clearance. You’d think politicians would learn from their predecessors’ mistakes.

Three decades ago, Bruce Springsteen didn’t want Ronald Reagan using “Born in the USA.” And last week, Tom Petty told Michele Bachmann to stop using “American Girl.” She should have known better, given that in 2000, Petty objected to George W. Bush’s use of “I Won’t Back Down.” (After which Bush began relying on John Mellencamp and Sting, only to have both of them ask him to back down.)

Thankfully for FDR, no one complained when he used “Happy Days Are Here Again.”

In 1992, Bill Clinton relied on Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop.” Four years later, Bob Dole had a pretty lame retort-a tailor-made version of “Soul Man” reworked as “Dole Man,” and he, too, was asked to stop using it because writers Isaac Hayes and David Porter never gave permission. In 2008, John McCain used ABBA’s “Take a Chance on Me” while his running mate, Sarah Palin, relied on Heart’s “Barracuda” but, here again, was asked not to by the Wilson sisters.

I don’t know what explains all the poor planning when it comes to campaigns and music. But I have a solution. To alleviate any confusion in the 2012 cycle, I think it’s best for a neutral party -me- to assign songs to the candidates(with a hat tip to my Twitter followers for their suggestions).

Barack Obama: The night he was elected, he walked on stage to Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered,” but now it’s about reelection. Easy. Having inherited two wars and a poor economy, he has an obvious choice: “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” by Billy Joel.

Mitt Romney: The GOP front-runner has a tough choice. Given his various positions on abortion and gay rights, he can go with either Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” or David Bowie’s “Changes.”

Rick Santorum: Playing for the conservative base and touting his Catholic, pro-life bona fides, he has an obvious number: the Doobie Brothers’ cover of “Jesus Is Just Alright.”

Herman Cain: The former president and chief executive officer of the legendary pizza chain has a built-in psych piece: The Godfather theme.

Newt Gingrich: A tougher choice. Seals and Crofts’ “Diamond Girl” or maybe Pink Floyd’s “Shine On You Crazy Diamond.”

Tim Pawlenty: For the most ill-defined in the field, “Who Are You,” by The Who.

Ron Paul: It’s not hard to picture Paul-tagged “Dr. No” by his congressional colleagues for his unwillingness to stray from his literal interpretation of the Constitution-as the “renegade” who cut his hair and favors suits in Huey Lewis and the News’ “Hip to Be Square.”

Jon Huntsman: Given that polls suggest that more than 20 percent of the country remains unwilling to vote for a Mormon, Huntsman should stick with “Losing My Religion,” by R.E.M.

Well, gee, Michael, that's absolutely hilarious. And by “absolutely hilarious”, I mean “limp-wristed nancy-boy sense of humor funny”.

I think there can be more (and better) suggestions for Barack Obama than just one. Let's see:

“You Don't Want Me Anymore” - Steel Breeze
“Big Talk” - Warrant
“After The Love Has Gone” – Earth Wind & Wind
“All By Myself” - Eric Carmen
“Unbelievable” - EMF
“Welcome To My Nightmare” - Alice Cooper
“Bad Time” - Grand Funk
“Couldn't Get It Right” - Climax Blues Band
“I Want You To Want Me” - Cheap Trick (which would also be a good name for his administration)
“(I Know) I'm Losing You” - Rod Stewart & Faces
“All Out Of Love” - Air Supply
“Promises In The Dark” - Pat Benatar
“(Ain't It) High Time We Went” - Joe Cocker
“The Stealer” - Free
“Talk Talk” - The Music Machine
“Fresh Garbage” - Spirit
“Dream Weaver” - Gary Wright
“End of the Road” - Boyz II Men
“Take It Like A Man” - B.T.O.
“Shake You Down” - Gregory Abbot
“Liar, Liar” - The Castaways
“Liar” - Yngwie Malmsteen
“Liar” - Three Dog Night
“Loser” - Three Doors Down
“Loser” - Beck
“I'm A Loser” - UFO
“Born To Lose” - UFO
“Gone, Gone, Gone” - Johnny Mathis
“Dangerous Bastard” - Lovefist
“Out of Touch” - Hall & Oates
“(We Ain't Got) Nothing Yet” - The Blue Magoos
“Gimme Back My Bullets” - Lynyrd Skynryd
“Goodbye To You” - Scandal
“The Final Countdown” - Europe
“I'm Going Home” - Ten Years After
“So You Wanna Be A Rock 'n' Roll Star” - The Byrds
“Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye” - The Casinos
“Good Night And Goodbye” - Impelliterri
“Time To Say Goodbye” - Lana Lane
“1000 Times Goodbye” - Megadeth
“Goodbye” - Night Ranger
“Kiss Your Ass Goodbye” - Styx
“Another One Bites The Dust” - Queen

How about a theme song for the voters?

“We're Not Gonna Take It” - Twisted Sister
“Raise A Little Hell” - Trooper
“Once Bitten, Twice Shy” - Great White (originally done by Ian Hunter)
“Nobody's Fool” - Cinderella
“What Have You Done?” - Within Temptation
“Kiss And Say Goodbye” - The Manhattans
“Throwing It All Away” - Genesis
“Keep Your Hands To Yourself” - Georgia Satellites
“Every Time You Go Away” - Paul Young
“Too Much, Too Little, Too Late” - Johnny Mathis & Deniece Williams
“Virtual Insanity” - Jamiroquai
“Listen To The Music” - Doobie Brothers ('cuz the fat lady's singing)
“(Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth 'cause) I'm Kissing You Goodbye” - Ray Stevens

How about a theme song for Obama supporters?

“When The Children Cry” - White Lion
“Just the Two Of Us” - Grover Washington, Jr.
“Without You” - Harry Nillson
“Must Of Got Lost” - The J. Geils Band
“Chain Of Fools” - Little Caeser (originally done by Aretha Franklin)
“Sad Eyes” - Robert John
“Come Back When You Grow Up” - Bobby Vee

No Twitter followers, so all of these suggestions are mine. Use the comments if you can think of any others. By the way, I have every single song on my iTunes mentioned on this list except for one.

Oh, and Obama? “Pass the Peas” - The J.B.s

Please bookmark!